A letter.

In morning mist of road unknown,

I step into the ground alone,

He feels the slightest step of mine

Each whisper of the trees and wind

Gets lost in pomegranates and wine...

I step into the Shadow all well known

Unseen to pressure of society

Unseen through mortal eye.

The world turns all around me

And all I see is pitch black sky.

You surround me

In heavens

You surround me

In the dark

You surround me

In love and sorrow

You surround me

And your touch creates a spark

Unbeknownst to skies and heavens

Unbeknownst to mortal life

Unbeknownst to simple treasures of the daily

Spring seeds and lightest leaves

Created autumn rot a wife that weaves.

I sang the songs upon the Heavens

And they didn't hear a word...

But you were there when I was almost torn apart

Your love means depth to me

Your darkness and the silent mystery, bless me with your peace,

Protect me with your sword

The seed of mystery

The Darkness and its lord.

The one that owns the treasure of the Depths...

The one that owns the key,

The morning springtime beauty,

And silent autumn Sea -

Oh, bless my heart.

For it belongs to thee.

For the pearl to never see the light of day.

I want to run away with orcas

I want to wash away the lies

And all the burdens they all put around me

Like fishnets leave me for demise.

I am no fearful person

For I do not fear death

I've seeked and seeked beneath the ground

And digged

But instead of water and creatures they

Told to stay away

I was left there never to be found,

For the pearl to never see the light of day.

But when the sun lit their only living sky

They told me to never use my wings

Took together off, to fly.

And I watched them.

And I thought -

It wasn't foretold.

It was just a coincidence so bold...

And continued digging.

For they told me to do,

And I never dropped it

Until I do.

The Call was a lie.

They never wanted me

To fly.

And I looked up again.

All the dirt and ashes on my face.

A fallen angel?

Hiding in disgrace.

"What is wrong my girl"

Someone asked.

A teardrop reached my eye

I looked up

And I basked.

The lies and human nothingness

Was leaving.

And washed away, the songs of waves of shore

The nets off legs unweaving...

I'm weeping.

Was that all that land has offered

Sold as illusionary pleasure

While all we did - we suffered.

I unmade the ties.

And into sea threw out the lies.

With turtles I went away

And I saw the Old Ocean 

Large Blue Waters

And that was the last day.

Throw the dice.

I hate to be wrong, I hate to lose,

Life pours me lies, I pour some booze.

I wait and wait, I hate that feel, like

You're there, alive, but nothing's real.

You say I'll heal, when I am down,

I cut myself with my own crown,

I waited for the doom to pass,

And years ago I had more class.

Restrained myself, I put in chains,

With fire flowing through my veins,

It boils, it hurts and I blow up,

Each evening, there is nothing there for me to stop.

I look at the stars and I ask why,

And maybe, when there's time to fly,

It answers nothing, silent, closed,

Same feel, same old shit with people who ghost.

I strive to be me, then I strive to be nice,

A board game of masks

And I lost my dice.

.

I want to scream, I want to scream, I can't comprehend this,

I cannot stand this right now.

All these feelings piled up and fear,

I fear and nobody understands, the only ones that act up

Are dry walled and speak like know-how.

I cannot handle this right now,

I cannot handle this, I can't.

Like an empty shadow road,

This all seems too thick, painful and broad

And you - shut up.

Won't say a word, will ye

I want you to shut it, and doors to be shut,

Thousands of lusts have died all for once

In my gut.

Leave, I am done.

All the tears are so pathetic. I bite my lip

I endure to not show any of you

I feel so deeply, I fear and I love too

And whatever's left, will be claimed by me,

Not you. In-between us a wide, dark sea

I fucked all the rules. I got myself free.

Time's not my death - 

I feel so much. But I'll battle, till hell, I fucking will

And through depths cut with swords I will flee.

Submerge

Feels like my wilderness has been killed somewhere,

Like everything is passing by,

My life, I'm catching nothing anymore,

Something in the distance burns, but it seems so small like firefly.

I imagine running barefoot through the woods,

I imagine listening to the drum of the oak,

Let my pain and waiting out, under the roots to soak

It's all just within my head and nothing happens. 

I waited, but nothing spoke. Is spirit dead,

My fear of death, just like a smoke, in the woods that wildfire swallows,

Under the pressure of blood dripping down my arms

Into branches as hallows,

Bow and turn, bow, head thrown back and slowly getting into feeling,

Magic under the omen, cast by the rot and the healing -

Death of the moss. The branch you cut and toss.

Blood drips down your arms and mine -

This is the song. That's our thunder named shrine.

Rejoice and dive into depth. Of the deepest fear, the dark, the screams.

The divine.

I'll call that a day.

Am I coping,

Quite a question and I sit,

Wanna scream and cry, I knit.

What are feelings - wanna fuck you up,

Grab by hair, push to the wall,

You play, I'm not the doll. Shit, fuck...

How many times does this have to continue to end,

How many messages to the universe do I send - 

Where does the fire end,

Where do I, where do I stand.

Scream in your ears, how many times do I have to cope with others' fears -

I stand alone and rain is falling on my eyes

You feed me with the silence, I feed myself with lies -

And all this greater passion - is full of broken ties.

Fuck you piece of shit. I lit a cigarette.

Eat my crap disguise.

Where I pretend I'm angry. Pretend that I'm okay.

Beneath that - don't trust humans, but I had a heart.

And I'll call that a day.

.

Dysfunctional. And I open and close.

Stars align and I don't know those.

Pain. I crusaded for you. 

And for what? Is that strength about nothing,

Into an abyss of lost love.

Everything's a mess and I am above.

But it keeps dragging down,

I walk around town, I see flowers, people smiling and sun.

But what to do when in thoughts all I want to do is to pull out a gun.

Instead of my embraces, they go nowhere.

I go see places and think of you.

Obsessive. Disgusted of self. I'm on that same shit. On that same shelf.

Body aches, I'm gone. The fuck have I done?

In my thoughts I cut words, cut people off.

I can't stand the blur that I have with relations,

Can't stand fuckin nothing, time tickin, friends together stickin.

And I'm here. Where the fuck do I go?

Useless power plays I show,

And as much as I'd like to stay - 

My head's playing Requiem, I'm on my way...

On the sofa I lay and I cry.

Maybe the thoughts of life&death, maybe I thrive.

But what's with that, heck at least I'm alive.

Man... such a storm in myself, it's two fourty five.

And I'm out to breathe, but I want to beat, hell...

If only soft arms could hold me, but - oh no, I dwell.

And I cannot help but to enter this nocturnal cell.

Masks.

I hope you take it off,

In morning dust, in sunset red,

Before you leave and go to bed,

I hope you take it off and look

With every word out of that book -

And scratch out that thread, that page, dissection,

Do I suffer to blind affection...

We all take them off and look in the mirror to see

That there's something incredibly monstrous to be.

The masks of perfection.

I stomp the appeal and cut the correction.

In beautiful masks lies our ugliest infection.

You know, it hurts

Fuck you, with words

The fuck are you doing

Putting words in my mouth

If you wanted me to be away -

Then should have said so,

Not wasting my day

And my heart

Decay.

Tunnel.

 I walk out

And it pulls me back.

I walk out

And it pulls me back.

The pain within comes out

Like black fluid fills my veins

Confusing feelings, destroying gains.

Thoughts go back to negatives.

I fear what ifs, everything is like a wall,

Huge border around me, suffocating crowds in mall.

I'm on my knees and I can't breathe.

And you won't help me, nothing will.

I'm ruled and I'll be killed -

By my own thought. I'm still -

Like waters in the sea -

Deep down the black depths feed on me

Of my own sharks. Relational ptsd.

To X

There is no hope,

There is no light.

Turn your back

And fucking fight.

Apathy.

The clock ticks and I sit in the room,

I await no emotion, there's nothing but loneliness - a doom.

The candle crackles and I read no signs.

Only me and the floor. The apathy.

Our framework aligns.

And intertype makes me sick,

And clock just keeps his "tick, tick, tick".

There's nothing in the world that could cure this hole.

I'm fucking empty. And I am whole.

Become as gods.

Become as gods,

As Artemis and Apollo,

I run through the moonlight and spare my hunt,

I take my price, for what's true I'm blunt.

And with flowers gathered, I shoot from my bow,

I know your heart that I'll throw in the snow,

Because I'm avoidant of your godly light,

My moonlight shines for me enough bright.

Individualist - am, but the care in my heart,

Will tear me and you, Apollo - apart.

My twin, I can't lie - I hate the way you made my love die,

But for what it takes, I continue to bind my tie

To run through the woods like a wildfire,

Like the Moon to your Sun, I burn and I cry,

In embraces you take me and spare me my faith,

While you used my trust arrow like a low bait.

And sometimes, Apollo - I sit and I cry,

But only within I can shed my tears. 

On the picture, like fury of storm - I will fly.

The thunder won't touch me.

Because we both know -

Only your godly Sun can make me die.

The Grove.

The birds, the runes, the wind, the tunes,

I touch the water, feel the sand in the dunes.

Out of breath I tune in, to feel the air,

I disconnect into the one, outside my lair.

Breath gives me sparkle. It grows the branches.

Sparkle becomes the fire. Ignites the touches.

I grow as a tree, a being, omnipresent.

Of knowledge, I tune out. 

My leaves are my fruit. A Sage. I share my clout.

Time.

Sometimes I just want the time to stop,

Somewhere where it was happy and everything was okay.

I'm sentimental. And I wish we never died in that golden light

I wish the good would forever stay.

I cry. And to empty skies I pray...

That today wouldn't be the lasting day.

The forest red.

 Am I too intense for you?

Too fierce, too much,

Throw of an axe, not a warm touch,

Full blown like a flame, not that of a match,

Am not quiet candle that crackles crisp,

I rather stay silent, but I am a whisp.

Do I break these thoughts that you have?

Of woman who painted is -

Of softness and friendly charm,

And my teeth - they only bring harm,

While foxes run through the woods,

Not appreciated of city's goods.

And I tackle these thoughts in a spin,

Who am I to get up and win.

I lost to all of these rules - you're all set,

Because in the end, I, the forest red,

Am commonly known as only a threat.

Mirror.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

What's the promise - you might fall.

Broken glass, broken dreams,

Take a thread, bend the seams.

Frightened I doubt I will go with the line,

Certain I thought it will tighten my spine.

Closed off I meant I will open a path,

Let the world break, I'll just do my math.

Out of the breath, I run closer to wall,

Mirror, what's promise? Say, you will fall,

Closed into puzzle, and scatter my parts

Oh, mirror, mirror. A Queen of Hearts.

Bend the dreams. In silence, I throw my darts.

You fucking whore.

In this little world of yours,

Mind being fucked, you beg outdoors,

The clear wide space and sweet impression

Of latent whores. Repression.

As you flutter like a butterfly,

Somewhere low, somewhere high -

Throw the bullets in the sky, bitch,

Kiss me hard. I'll bite.

Your words make mind to cum,

Soul wants to fucking die.

Particle.

 You'll get recycled,

Like the stars, like the sky,

Once the particles are born, then the particles die.

The body dissolves,

Soul gets wings of a firefly.

Golden dust.

Fall into my wings,

Let the worries fall,

The tempest of the heart,

Light fume evades that all.

Evaporate in clouds, 

Of thought and crescent dream, 

The stars are getting heavy, 

Your eyelids close with golden beam.

An angel from the sky, it comes, 

And fades away with flow, 

Bringing end to worries, 

In the end of road to home:

-"Now you slowly go." 

The stardust covers lashes,

The feet embrace the snow...

Your heart and soul are silent,

The fingers reached the heaven's glow.